It’s been one year. At 5:15am on a cold, snowy day she passed away. My mom. Not only mine but also my brothers and my sisters.
I miss her a lot. And I’m not sure if I’m over her yet.. I got given a book from someone at the resort called Motherless Daughters which explains how it affects us daughters when a mother dies at different ages. Most daughters after many years realise they still haven’t lived through the pain of their mother passing away and how they have always felt the need for being nurtured and hugged like mothers do. And you know what, I feel that too. Even more so after she is not there anymore. Then I think about my soon-to-be 10 year old sister who is 21 years younger than me. How does she feel? I know she misses her a lot and probably even more than me. She was with her all those years always together, shopping together, eating together like two best friends. I know she is happy to have me in her life but it’s never going to be the same as having a mom in your life. I’m a sister but I’m parenting her as a mother at least I try to and I hope she will grow up to be a good human being. She seems to be going that way but teenage years haven’t come yet. She is very smart and mature for her age and is doing great at the resort. She would love to be paid in milkshakes 🙂
Sometimes I feel I need to hug my sister more and kiss her more like mom’s do. It doesn’t come natural. I find it difficult to be as nurturing as our mom was. But I guess I also don’t have to be as I’m not her mom, I’m her sister. See to find the right way, the perfect way is kind of impossible. I try to follow my heart and make sure I’m neither too tough nor too easy. I want her to feel safe and secure, supported and loved so whatever happens in life she knows I’m always there and she has a home to come back to. But I also want her to respect herself and others, appreciate what she has and be grateful for the life she has. And I think she has been doing that already. I’m so very proud of her.
Mom. I miss your touch, your hugs, your cheek kisses, your laughter and your nurturing love (as I write this tears softly approach my eyes). Times when we just sat next to each other and talked. Times when we watched a movie together. Times we had mani and pedi together. Times when you cooked porridge or pancakes for breakfast. Times when you made our favourite meatball patties. Times when I just felt taken care of and that I didn’t always appreciate.
To be a mom is not an easy job. It’s quite tough. We kids are so sneaky, cheeky, throw tantrums and are not always the ones who understand how does it feel to be a mom and to take care of the big family. I appreciate it now. Thank you mom for being the best mom I have known with all your imperfections and mess ups. We all mess up. I love you for who you are. I love you mom. ❤