Fears

Fears about what other people will think. Today is my day off and so I walked up the hill to the sunset point to do Qi Gong.

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Sunset point

Something I practised for a long while but then stopped. A few days ago I got an urge to restart my practise. Yesterday I did one session and today would be the second one. Usually no guests walk to the sunset point in the mornings or afternoons. Today there was a couple so I didn’t want to interfere and walked forward but then I see them walking behind me. Oh well that’s fine, I kept walking to the other side of the beach hoping they won’t follow.

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The beach on the other side

I came and started my Qi Gong practise. I don’t want people to see how I do it as it’s different from the usual Qi Gong practise so I feel conscious of what others will think I practise Wisdom Healing Qi Gong. One day I did it together with my husband and he didn’t like it so since then I have this fear of people seeing me do it because they might not understand or see the benefits of it and think I am a ‘loco’ (loco from Spanish- crazy, lost ones mind). So here comes the fear of what others will think.

Seriously why would it even matter what others will think or if they don’t understand. It’s my practise and if I like it than it’s all good. I totally understand it but it’s hard to always feel it as deep inside I have this wish of being liked by everyone, of not being criticised. I will always do all I can and my utmost just to avoid being criticised or not liked. I feel bad when people judge me, I don’t like to be judged. Who does? Some people just take it in and then let it go or at least it looks easy from the outside, I’m not sure what happens on the inside. For me I have found it difficult to let go of the negative comments, criticism and any other things where it has made me feel weak and vulnerable. I also don’t like conflicts or situations where there are two very different and strong opinions as it makes me feel uncomfortable and makes me feel weaker especially if I’m not going to win that one. I have always liked to be seen as a strong and ‘I can do it all’ person. But sometimes it’s actually nice to be a human, be a women, lose and be happy of the loss as sometimes it’s about the process or the conversation or just hearing others.

When you have seen your mom always being strong and being the one who does it all, you kind of picture yourself being like that as well but at some point you realise that everytning is too much and you can’t be everything. There needs to be balance between the male and female energy in ones body, between the right and the left side; balance between the relationship of a man and a woman; yin and yang.

So the couple came and I lost my whole focus and then the seaplane, the boats.. it felt like everyone is around just when i want to be alone and unseen haha It was funny as all these insecurities and fears came out when all this happened so I sat down and meditated for half an hour and then walked back to the resort. It takes about 30 minutes to walk from one side of the island to the other side.

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On the way

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Fears. They are not bad nor good they just are. Many times hiding deep inside, so deep that we can’t even see them we just act on them. Many times our actions, what we say, our wishes or denials come out of some deeply hidden fears. When we discover them and start to accept them, they fade away as they have no power over us anymore. Fears, I like you! Especially the times I discover you behind the uncomfortable or ‘I don’t like it’ feelings. I love going deeper and understanding myself more every day.

The Island life.

 

 

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